A funny for today

Facts about Chuck Norris...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last
for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact
change.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In
an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she
asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back"
and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris

God bless America

The trip to Oregon went really well. No problems other than the grandparents are getting older and slower. Going to the store with my grandpa was an excercise in paitence.

We went to the church that Tara grew up at. As a special treat they had a veterans day service. It was a real joy to sit through as I was throwing up in my mouth every couple of minutes. The best part was when they played the songs for the branches of the armed forces and asked people to stand if they served in the army, navy etc. I almost burst out laughing which probably would not have been appropriate. Tara kept apologizing but I realize that for many people this is what Christianity is so I sucked it up. I realize there were people there that were just as uncomfortable with it as I was and on the other hand it really was good for some people so who am I to shove my opinion down their throat? It's not my place to do so.

I talked to Jay about feeling conflicted at times this weekend because I felt like maybe I should have stayed for Garrett and Tessa. He told me that I had not done anything bad and that they know I support them and that I am going to be there for them long term. They have a really strong support system with family so that did make the decision easier. I am glad I went and I don't regret it but this was a time that I wish I could have been in two places at once.

Please pray for Garrett and Tessa

Words escape me.

Father, please give them comfort.

Amen

Meet The Parents

This coming weekend I am going to meet my girlfriend's dad. I already met her mom when she was here a couple of weeks ago. As much as I am trying to be nonchalant about this and act like it is no big deal the reality is that this is cause for a certain amount of pressure. I know he will like me, I am a likable person and I can get along with just about anyone. I just don't want him to think I am a jackass which I can be.

We are also going to be visiting my grandparents, who live about 30 miles away from her parents.

Pray for us.

Chad

Lord's supper

Yesterday I was asked to give the Lord's Supper talk. At our church we have someone getup and give a brief devotion thought and then communion is passed. I know it works a little differently elsewhere but for the most part every C of C does this I think.

Normally I like a couple of weeks notice that I am doing t so it give me plenty of time to let the brain cells percolate a bit. This being the first Sunday of the month I just found out about it last week but by the end of services I already knew what I wanted to talk about.

Normally I get up, say what I have to say and then sit back down. In the past no one has really said much about what I say but I guess that since they keep asking me to do it they must like what I say. Maybe because a lot of times what I say is confessional and also a bit confrontational. This time was different. I think I had 7 or 8 people tell me they had really liked what I said and one Elder told me that it was maybe the best he had ever heard. To say I was surprised is an understatement. I guess I just set the bar awfully high for myself. It is posted below, I made a couple of wording changes that I am not going to bother updating. Let me know what you think.

Chad

11/4/05

Growing up I was always told during services to face forward and not look behind me. I usually obeyed but occasionally I would sneak a look around, to see what was going on. But for the most part I just saw the back of the heads of the people in the row or two in front of me. For the last year or so I have spent Sunday morning services back by the sound closet. From that location I can see the backs of everyone here. When you look at the backs of people’s heads it is easier to distance yourself from them. After all there is no expression to be read in the way their hair is combed. You cannot see their eyes or mouth or anything else that might give you a clue as to what they are feeling.

Last week I sat in the front row. When you sit in the front row there are no heads to look at. Instead I found myself going against what I have been told all my life and looked behind me. As the Lord’s Supper was being passed around I watched as people took it. Suddenly this was more than just the faceless masses taking part, this was people that I had known most of my life taking part in the commemoration of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. I watched as husbands and wives took it together, I watched as children passed the bread and juice down when there was a gap, I watched widows hold the trays for each other and as I watched it occurred to me that usually when we take the Lord’s Supper we accentuate the individual; Christ died for my sins, I am taking part in the Lord’s Supper, I am mediating on what it means to me.

But the overwhelming thought I had last week as I watched all this take place was that it was taking place in community. We as a body are having communion together and showing a true community ideal. We all have this in common, we fall short of God’s desire for our lives and we all need the grace that he extended us to overcome the sin in our lives.

This morning as we share in this I invite you to look around. To see faces instead of heads, to see brothers and sisters instead of faceless individuals and to revel in this community that God has provided for us.